Attention Please

I haven't read many books on parenting. In truth, even the most informational text on what to expect can unleash a flood of anxiety on my sleep deprived mind, and send me to (the dangerous) google, which directs me to New Mom forums where they use a slue of abbreviations I cease to understand (why use LO when we can just write BABY?). One of the most perplexing issues I deal with (on the daily) is how to keep Charlie entertained? I torture myself with this subject. Am I playing with him enough? Are these activities stimulating? Too redundant? Have I pointed out and explained new things to him today? Am I using words in the right context (another result of sleep deprivation)? Or making any sense?

On more than one occasion I have heard the anecdote of the baby instantly strapped to its mothers hip for a full days work. Of course, this is far from Charlie's existence; he is held, tickled, talked to, and played with from (almost) the moment he wakes until it is time for bed. I rarely use my computer around him. My one purely selfish indulgence is phone calls with Auntie and the NYC family. Not to sound like a martyr. After all, I get to hang out, tickle, talk to, and play with Charlie every day! But sometimes I wonder if all of this attention deprives him of a couple of potentially important things. The opportunity to explore independently of me? The chance to embrace silence (which I wish I learned to love earlier in life)? And maybe even, the best version of his mom. Would it be so negative for Charlie to see--- even at this ridiculously early stage--- mom working on and enjoying some things for herself? Would his math skills plummet if he knows that while he is always the center of my universe, other things exist and need to be tended to?

I know if someone else asked me for advice on this topic, I would be very les-et-faire; I might even tell them anecdote of the baby strapped to its mothers hip promptly after its birth. But the truth is, when it comes to telling myself that it would be okay to exist for Charlie as something other than a playmate/full-time entertainer... I feel guilty. Is it okay to give ourselves permission to do things other than parent when we are full-time parents (other than at nap time)? And is our undivided attention for our babies benefit? Or our own?