Being Nice

Ben and I haven't really slept in the last eight weeks. I recognize we may not really sleep for the next eighteen years. Sleep deprivation is a funny thing; after a while your brain acclimates to running on a half-empty tank, your friends and family learn to decode your slurred speech, and you begin to accept that nights (like most other things in your life) are no longer your own. But something else happens when you and your partner are not getting the rest you really need... You get a little mean. It took me a while to recognize that the snippy tones, the defensive replies, the way we both started taking just about everything extremely personally were all the result of our extreme exhaustion. Adding a baby to the mix is a hard transition. We're asked to sacrifice in ways that I have started to doubt any of us are truly prepared for, and in our (personal) parental evolution Ben and I seem to be struggling to make the time to care for ourselves, and maybe even cut each other the necessary slack. I don't think this issue will be resolved when Charlie learns to sleep through the night. I imagine this will become a constant in our lives; we're going to have to keep doing our best to remember that we're on each others side. Until we get the hang of this practice, I'm trying to remember an piece of advice I read a while back: when you're feeling frustrated with your partner try (before you say anything unkind) to remember something truly wonderful they did in the past. It's a really simple exercise, but I sort of think it does wonders. I like to remember when Ben drove through a snowstorm to spend Christmas day with all of us.

permanent camping

i've never been camping but L always wants go to, and sometimes i am tempted by the thought of sleeping out in the open, hearing the sounds of birds and frogs.. but, then i think about crazy people in the woods and a solid structure sounds much more appealing.. this 'permanent camping' house is my idea of a proper camping trip.. how cozy does that fire look?

have you ever been camping?

                                                             (via  iGNANT)

weekend!

the weekends seem to be coming a bit earlier these days.. since L is taking FMLA on fridays until the end of July, thursday has become friday.. and its glorious. the extra day means that i can do something on my own for a few hours but also get things done around the house without having it take up our entire time together. what are your plans for this weekend?

here are some 'goals' because if i say plans they're just not going to happen..

                                                   (from 101 Cookbooks)
i've been on a pancake binge even though m doesn't seem to like them (yet) sunday means im at the stove making myself some gluten free pancakes.. this week i plan on making some gluten-full ones, using this recipe. i justify this obsession over the fact that now i have a child and having the ability to make perfect pancakes is a good trick to have up my sleeve.

i just bought these ugly yet oh so comfy sneakers as a birthday gift to myself in hopes that i use them to.. gulp.. jog (one day, one day).. even if its just for skipping through the park, i need to put the little frog shoes on and attempt a break-in.

(this is the dream but not the reality) L moved his computer out of the nursery (the nursery that nobody sleeps in.. mm hmm..) so i'm on the hunt for a cheap wooden chest of drawers that will double as a changing station.. i love this dwell one, but $1080.00 is about $1000 out of our budget. i'm hoping to score a cheap but well-made wooden dresser and paint it white and add some fun knobs..

speaking of home improvement.. we just installed elfa shelves in our living room.. not the aesthetic i had dreamed of, but practical now that we have a crawler living with us. the stuff on here is just to test out the weight, the first night after L installed it we both slept with an eye open, waiting to hear a loud crash.. now that its been up for almost a week, i think its time we start unpacking and color-coordinating some books.. (top, our mess.. bottom via apartment therapy)

i just bought this book and am looking forward to reading it in bed on my ancient and ridiculously heavy iPad (can i-anythings be ancient?).. after all the hubbub about books like 'lean in' mama needs to read something positive..

for the next go-around

i took milo to sing-a-long at the dean street cafe this morning with a couple of mom friends and their wee ones. its amazing to see how different the babes are, the 10 month old is walking! while milo's friend hannah sat contently and milo got bored and started his high pitched wails until he found the mirror behind us (always the mirror.. if they had mirror tattoos i would be all over that..) and made it through to the last song, a 'rock' rendition of the itsy bitsy spider..

anywhoo.. this is all to say that afterwards my friend julia and i took the kiddos to the nearby park for some quick swing action.. apparently every parent and nanny from our sing-a-long had the same brilliant idea and swings were taken so we sat awkwardly in the middle of the playground chatting while trying to keep the littles entertained without licking the tarmac.. julia and i got onto the subject of how big they were getting, how crazy it is this first year.. and when do we plan on having the next little ones, should we be so lucky.. ugh what a loaded question, eh? when i think about me and you and you and me i think -- oh, right away! lets make m a best friend.. but there is the other side, i like that i can focus on milo now, that he has all of me. that when he does something new i am watching it, that he is first on my mind.. there are good sides to having that not be the case, sure, but im not sure that i want things to happen so quickly that i can't soak in this unique time with my one and only. and though i can't imagine loving another baby remotely close to how i love m.. i can't imagine it.. i also know that all moms feel that way and according to our, very loving and devoted mum "your love just grows" so i will trust in that..

so it got me thinking that i should make a list for the next go-around, of the things i would want to tell myself.. here goes:

-you will probably have nursing issues again, unless you have a champion sucker who doesn't mind that mama's boobies resemble mountains with a tick tack on top.. if thats the case, you can stop reading now, but if you are knee-deep in nipple shields, spoon feeding, sores, poor latches and tears; give that babe a bottle. you were so afraid of giving m a bottle at first but really - your commitment to breastfeeding is strong but you have to give yourself a break.. m was able to latch because he got bigger, he got it. keep trying and keep at it but dont spend your days crying over it. it will get good again.

-don't invite everyone you know to the hospital and/or the apartment the first two weeks. give yourself and the hubs and the babies some time to adjust and to recover together. don't feel the great need to just 'be yourself' a day after giving birth - its huge and you will never quite be yourself again. give your family some time to be together without dishes and deep conversation. breath it in.

-try not to spend all of your time on your phone while you are nursing/babe is sleeping on you.. thats not to say that its bad to read a novel during those marathon nursing sessions or to dull your mind from the fact that your limbs have fallen asleep due to the little ones positioning - but - there is something to be said about being in the present.

-ask for help. take help. dont be humble about it. you will give it back.

-trust in your body that it will get back to where it needs to be. don't feel bad that the water weight is making you look like the hulk.. go with it.. mu-mu it out and don't think twice.

-if you have decided to do a hospital birth and you are in your labor room and its hurting real bad.. get that epidural. stat.

i'm sure in the next few weeks i'll have more to add to this list, but i wanted to get it out while it was still lingering in my head..

**and don't feel bad when certain people tell you not to let the little sleep on you.. because one day they wont and you will ache for it.

the moments between only us

for the past couple of nights, M's nursing sessions have shortened dramatically. aside from the fact that this pretty much guarantees a plugged duct, it made me.. well.. SAD. this is our thing, our nightly ritual - bath, jammies, sleep sack, lullaby, nursing, rocking, bed. i'm not sure if its teething, developmental things, the fact that our co-sleeping means that he is nursing more in the middle of the night, or it may be the new lovey "nancy" that has distracted my boy from the boob. so tonight as i was rocking him, he was squirming around and i thought, oh, he just wants to be in his bed, he doesn't want to be rocked. it took me a while to figure that out and when i put him down he rolled onto his belly and wiggled his bum and prepared for sleep. and i stood above him, my sweet baby boy, in his little crib, and i watched him, and i didn't know what to do with myself because our nighttime routine is clearly not only for him, apparently i need it, too.

on monday M will be 9 months.. 9 months in, 9 months out.. amazing. solids are slowly taking over, new tastes and textures are more exciting then the same old milk. i hope to always be comfort to him, but now with the crawling, he's all about moving.. sometimes away from me.. usually away from me.. and i know we're in the midst of great changes - extraordinary changes, development, mil(o)stones.. but im realizing how much i love these quiet moments.. the dark room, the noise machine, M in my arms, the nursing that in the beginning was so hard, that has become so wonderful, who's end might be near, those moments.. oh those moments.. i will never forget a night of it. every time i question my decisions about staying home i think of our evenings together, of being in that room, brushing his hair back as he nurses, his little breaths between sips, humming a dylan or marley tune to him, nothing else mattering, just us.. only us..

shopping spreeeeeeeeee

oh after the beeday there are a few dollars to be spent (really, just a few).. my exciting purchase will be an elfa shelf for our living room, despite my best intention to stay a little more stylish at home, its practical and practical wins over anything else when you have a little crawler on your hands..
i also just ordered a few things from american apparel for Milo's summertime wardrobe.
and i just might have enough to buy myself a new shade of nail polish.. pedi's are out of the budget this season.. le sigh.

the finger family!

i ordered our little family a custom portrait on etsy. its in the mail now but the artist just sent me a sneak peek.. it looks nothing like any of us, and i begrudgingly had the cats painted in at the last minute.. but i love it.. i'm excited to hang it in Milo's nursery and i love the idea of getting a different piece of artwork every few years to document the changing (and perhaps growing!) family..

craving neutral

                                                                scarf. toms. hat. sunnies.

belly, must i cover you now?

i by no means have any sort of perfect body.. i'm not even going to go there and discuss the issues i have, because we all have something and i'm giving this body a break, i made a baby and therefore i'm going to have a little love for this body of mine, imperfect as it may be..

but the belly..

now that's one thing i always counted on. yes, i had to suck it in like most of us on planet earth, but the belly was one part of me that i could rely on. but now post-baby, its, shall we say, different. there is loose skin and stretch spots and sucking in doesn't do its magic any longer. im contemplating a one-piece for those rare occasions that anyone other than family + close friends see me in basically my knickers.. a few i'm eyeing

(clockwise from left) 1// 2 // 3

Charlie and I had so much fun having family in town... not to mention a set of wheels to whiz us around Washington D.C. We got to stroll through different neighborhoods, test restaurants with the stroller; Charlie frequented his first toy store, and I conquered breastfeeding in public (or survived it anyway). That old saying 'It takes a village,' feels particularly potent after each of these (too short) visits. Alone with my little dude, I am suddenly reminded of how daunting the simplest of tasks can feel when you're flying solo. Today, Charlie and I are working through these transition blues by lingering in our pajamas a little longer than usual, and I am trying to remember how brave I am capable of being. Here are a few snap shots from our weekend adventures- any interest in a trip down south(ish) soon?

sunglasses - the winner

Since I'm happily posting awkward photos of myself (are there any others) I went with these sunnies.. Ray Bans and of course the most expensive pair in the lot that I ordered.. however, these fit on my massive head and for that its worth every penny..

Home..

the NY Municipal Archives has photos of every building in NY taken between 1983-1988. Some are better  than others and in our case of the home we grew up in, its fuzzy and tiny and oh so hard to see but there it is in all its glory.. 463 Broome Street.. the loft that we laughed, cried, yelled, crawled, danced, fought and played in. To anyone else, this photo would seem trivial.. silly, even.. fuzzy old picture, spray painted door, fire escapes.. but to me (and to you, I imagine) its our history. I love that moms chair is there, that white spot on the second floor fire escape, I can just see mom in it, with a glass of wine and some pair of $5 sunglasses that she can always make look chic, looking off into her Soho, before the tourists, before the malls.. I wonder what was going on in that loft that day..

yes or mess..

You ready for this? Since I have a bit of an online shopping and returning addiction (I would like to say this started when I decided to stay home and be with bebe, thus leaving me outside of Manahatta and unable to try on clothing in actual stores.. but no.. its kind of always been like this).. anywhoo, this is the space where I put up dorky pictures of myself trying something on and you tell me if its a yes or a hot mess, k?

Here I am doing my supermodel pose.. actually, Louai just lamed out on taking more than one picture and the baby was getting antsy and this is all I got.. but you get the idea.. and yes I just realized that my pants are matching the walls of the nursery. Bam.

Item in question: Mint jeans via Gap.. I used way too many discount codes and got them for around $30 (because yes I do know that mint jeans are not classic and not worth the splurge)..

So..?

Dinner & a Movie

Ben and I haven’t had any ‘date nights’ since the baby was born. Now that Charlie is four months, and his sleep schedule (at least the first stretch) is somewhat more predictable, I can actually imagine leaving him with a grandparent and exchanging some grown-up conversation not revolving around diaper changes. In reality, we probably won’t stray too far from the neighborhood, but I like to imagine getting all decked out and hitting up this D.C. establishment.

  

When did you go on your first post-baby date? And where did you go?

catching dreams..

since we still have Milo in our room, and its seeming that our little buddy may be in his own room soon (humph humph sniff sniff) due to his crib getting small, him getting big and my hubs new sexy habit of snoring.. loudly.. and waking us all up.. its just seeming that it may go in that direction.. but not just yet.. not quite yet..
and even though i spent months of my pregnant days planning the nursery, painting different aqua patches on the wall, testing out gliders, the room isn't completely finished yet.. i would love to hang a dream catcher over Milo's crib.. i just have always loved them and like the idea of getting a nice one for him to keep.. maybe bring to college and make fun of his silly mom who would ask him (just like our mom) what his dreams were each and every morning..
a few contenders..

via etsy

another from etsy.. 

and yet another from.. you guessed it etsy

things you do during naptime

thinking about working but instead ordering four pairs of sunglasses to try on in the comfort of your own home so nobody else can see you do the fat-cheek test (aka the smile fakely in a mirror and see how much the sunglasses move up your face test)..

shh!

little feet

Milo needs a new pair of shoes for Spring..

in the current medicine cabinet

Even in the old corporate office job days, I never spent too much time on my face.. my hair, on the other hand, is a whole other thing. But the face, eh, I figured I couldn't compete with the 20 year old interns so why even try. Oddly, being a mom at home, I'm more concerned with slapping some product on. Even minimal effort seems great these days.

Right now, my routine consists of:

A.M. - Wipe around my crusty eyes but not getting my face wet (its so dry from this winter) putting on some Weleda Rose Moisture Cream.. putting on a light layer of Jane Iredela Liquid Minerals (a makeup artist on a shoot once suggested this for my eczema prone skin and its pretty good).. then shellacking some Tarte concealer under the old eyes (this product I find a bit too dry, you have to rub it in immediately so its not my fave, but I'm waiting until the bottle runs out to buy a new one.. dream concealer where are you?!).. Then I use my (disgusting, 2 year-old, no name, out of shape) blush brush and put on some Alima mineral blush on.. this I got at a beauty sale when I was working at Time Inc. (ugh, why is this post making me miss my corporate day job so much?) I've had it over a year and still have a lot of product, I would buy it again.. If I have another minute, I fill in my spotty brows with a Mac brow pencil that I got at a Real Simple beauty sale.. oh man, enough with this job lust! And.. now this is on very special occasion days.. like those days I plan on taking Milo to the park or perhaps, gulp, a playdate, I'll throw on 2 coats (why 2? OCD you ask? Perhaps..) of Maybelline in the pink tube.. this stuff is the real deal but its a nightmare to take off, I'll try something new when the tube gets crusty(er)

P.M. - I just started doing the oil cleansing method.. have you tried it? You spread a few drops of oil, many use olive oil which I will try next, so far I've been using Jojoba oil, and spread it around your dry face for a minute or so, then rinse with warm water.. Its actually quite lovely and does the deed of getting most of the Maybelline pink tube off and hasn't broken me out.. score! On those days I'm feeling kind of gnarly, I'll do a Say Yes To Cucumbers face wipe..

And voila! all this and I still look like a ragged exhausted new mum.. but I feel a little better, and feelings what counts, right? Take that, corporate office job, you!